The other day I did something stupid. I don’t want to talk about – its embarrassing. I was late to work because I had to lay on the couch for an hour with cold rag on my eye and I had to walk around the rest of the day with a visible mark.
As a pastor I get to talk to a lot of people who suffer under shame. Guilt is one thing – it reminds us of what we have done. Shame is a different animal – it goes after who we are.
As I went through my day I had two things going on. One was the pain from the injury. The other was from the embarrassment. There are times when you want a little sympathy and you hope that someone asked you about your injury. A self-inflicted wound is not one of those times.
I walked around hoping that no one would ask what happened. I sat in office and felt vulnerable like a sitting duck.
In sermons I often say
Guilt is feeling bad about what you did.
Shame is feeling bad about who your are.
Pastorally I have great concern for those who walk around everyday under the burden of guilt and shame. This little incident was a chance to come face to face with my ego and my image in a small way. Ever since then I have thinking about and reading up on pastoral counseling for those who are walking wounded.
I can’t help but but wonder if self-inflicted wounds don’t hurt twice as much. First at the place of pain and second at the outward embarrassment. It makes sense why it then become difficult to fulfill the encouragement of scripture to “bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2) when we don’t want to show the wound or tell the story behind it.
Bo Sanders: Public Theology 
March 3, 2012 at 12:34 am
I love your distinction between guilt and shame. I am okay with just enough “guilt” to move me toward behavior change (but once the change process is started, even guilt seems stifiling of continued positive growth).
The shame of a self-inflicted wound is amplified if the wound is intentional, or is the result of a poor decision (as opposed to clumsiness). Example: There was a day I was furious, and I contained myself until I was in the car…then I screamed in anger for probably 25 minutes. I was unable to talk for 3 days, but had to keep going to work. When patients or co-workers asked if I were sick, I told the story. It was humiliating, but somehow still cathartic. I don’t think I will do that again. The confession was good for me, and there was less judgment than I expected…but I was really embarrassed by my behavior, and the fact that I had hurt myself out of anger (even though I didn’t scream with the intent of hurting myself). I am honored to have a job that requires me to ask people if they ever think about hurting themselves, and if they have a plan. Sometimes just having the opportunity to confess helps loosen the grip of the albatross.
Finally, the shame of being hurt by someone else is another story I hear (again, honored to be able to do this in my job). As a minister, you have relationships where you can ask the same questions. You can be a Galatians 6:2 burden bearer (and I know you are). Know that you lighten the burden (and often become a healer) by just hearing the story. People long for a safe place to tell their story.